Retirement
Oh, your 401(k)? We have that too.
Coming soon.
You will not need to leave us. You will not be able to.
The Standard Fund*
You pay into a fund we made, for you.* It holds your money the way your plan holds your care: safely, out of sight.
Please continue working to receive your funds. They are released when you stop working, or when we do, whichever we decide first.
We make sure it is the right thing for your future. You do not have to understand it. You are not expected to.
Do not invest on your own. You do not know how. We do, and we have not told you how it went. It is in a file.
*We are not a bank, an insurer, a financier or a source of advice, and we are not whatever else you might take us for. We push paper, so that you have to.
The Big Club
It’s a big club. You’re in network.
The club meets without you and sets your prices without you. Membership is automatic. Dues are deducted. The minutes arrive in six weeks, and most of them are blank.
Pushing patients like paper. It’s what we do.