Our commercials · The Timeless Classics Collection · Spot I
Where can I see my plan’s prices?
The real answer
Every price your plan pays an in-network doctor or hospital is a contract rate the plan must publish under federal law, in files anyone may read (42 U.S.C. §§ 300gg-15a and 18031(e)(3); 45 CFR 147.212). Provern reads those files, so the price is not a secret: it is a public record.
CALL NOW! 1-800-███-████
Standard Healthcare is a parody. No real company is depicted. No product is offered, and the number cannot be called. Honest Healthcare is honest about everything printed above this line. “A first for us” refers to the honesty. “No Medicare needed” means Honest Healthcare does not need Medicare. Whether you do was not considered. “Every price in plain sight” means every price is in a file, and the file is in plain sight. It runs about a hundred terabytes. Bring a chair. The rest of the number is a trade secret. Lines are open twenty-four hours a day. No one is on them. Your call is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, which is last. Calls may be recorded for training purposes, and played at the family’s parties. Plain English is available in plain English, upon written request, written by the member. Prices are available after purchase, about six weeks after. Not available in your state, or in any state where this has been read. Honest Healthcare is offered by Standard Healthcare, which is honest about Honest Healthcare and about nothing else. If you can read this, you have read further than the house intended. Please stop. Each clause on this card repeats until it is understood.